From a bathroom to bubbles

No one would have guessed by looking at the girl wrapped in a Scottish cape blowing bubbles and singing along to Debussy’s Clair de Lune was sobbing on the bathroom floor only 5 minutes before. I was blowing these bubbles and watching them flutter about to the augmented and seventh arpeggios of the music and thinking how I could make them symbolize something about what happened.

I’ve said this before, but being this fucked up mental health wise is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through (and my appendix ruptured when I was 12). I’ll be having a fine day, just working my ass off because finals are in 2 weeks and I’ll be reading a web comic to destress and then BOOM! 

All of a sudden you’ll hear me sobbing loudly from the bathroom (the only place in my flat I can find privacy) clutching my boyfriend’s sweater and trying so desperately not to reach for a razor in my bathroom to make the interior pain subside for a few hours. I can’t express how desperately I want to give up. People tell me all the time how strong I’m being (thank you for that) but I don’t want to be strong anymore. I’m tired of constantly having to be strong against myself. I want to just relax and not feel like I’m always fighting off my own fucked up mind. I want to be strong for other people. I want to be able to save this strength for when I need it, not every waking hour.

I want to say something cheesy like blowing the bubbles symbolizes my depression making itself huge and then popping away, never to be seen again. But lets be honest, if depression and anxiety was really like that, I wouldn’t be fighting like this.

I see the same tear stained face reflected in every bubble that flutters away from me and I reflect on Cinderella while she’s scrubbing the floor and singing to herself. All she is doing is waiting for life to turn around for her so she can escape the horrid life she has.

If we take this Cinderella metaphor and apply it to my situation it makes a lot of sense to me . Lets swap the Evil Step-sisters and Step-Mother for my mental illnesses and her little animal friends for the people who have helped support me through all of this. She tries to act happy for her friends who are always there to help her and to keep herself sane, but her step family is cruel and tearing her beautiful life to shreds when she has a sliver of a chance of finding happiness again. When she’s scrubbing the floor and having the bubbles swirl around her, she’s about to hear about the ball and she’s imagining herself in a better place. Step mother of course ruins everything and then Cinderella is saved by her fairy godmother and her friends and marries a wonderful handsome prince.

Except…I don’t have a fairy godmother, my little furry friends are about 8,000 miles away, and my prince is over 10,500 miles away from me. Maybe the Anxiety Treatment Center I’m going to in late April will be my fairy godmother and my prince will return to me one day. Maybe then, I’ll have my happily ever after.

Hopefully…

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Sound Bite: Feelin’ like a Bard

Hi everyone, I know I said I would do sound bites every week but I am depressed and forgetful sometimes so forgive me please.

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The Bard’s Song- In the Forest: Van Canto

So the reason why I post this is because I saw them TWO DAYS AGO and they’re one of my all time favorite bands. It was an absolute dream to see them. Something I didn’t realize was how much this song hit me even though its literally a song from The Lord of the Rings. During the concert, it gave me a kind of strength that I had been missing since this depression has been beating me up and I nearly cried of happiness. I hope that this song fills you with joy too ❤

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Depression can make you sick

Fun fact: Depression and Anxiety can make you physically sick.

Ok maybe not them exactly, but the stress put on by them can make you physically sick.

How did I find out? The hard way of course!

I went to the A&E (aka the Emergency Room) about 2 weeks ago because I had a panic attack where my memory was spotty and it left me feeling physically ill. Because I was scared that I had a seizure and I wasn’t feeling well the next day, I walked my butt over to the A&E. After waiting about 4 hours, they saw me and told me that no, I had not had a seizure, but were concerned about my depression and my history of suicidal thoughts. So I waited another hour and they brought a psychologist to see me.

The psychologist was wonderful. He asked me questions that I hadn’t been asked before about my suicidal tendencies and my depression that cleared up a lot of things for me. At the end of the hour, I asked him, “So why do I feel sick?”

He told me that since my vital signs and everything else about me physically was perfect. The reason I felt ill was because my body was under so much stress from my panic attacks and general mental illness. He asked me how much I had been sleeping (plenty) and if I saw a therapist in London (LOL TRIED THAT) and when was the last time I felt suicidal (fairly recently). Summed up, he said “Well all that makes a lot of sense why you’re feeling like shit. You’re in a stressful environment with stressful situations, a very long distance relationship, and you have pretty bad mental illness to top it all off. No wonder you feel ill! I recommend taking the weekend off and sleeping a lot and drinking some tea and treat yourself to a nice veggie burger .” (he didn’t say that last part but doesn’t mean I didn’t…).

So thats what I did and I felt much better by the next morning. Maybe it was because I finally got to talk about my issues during the program to a professional who actually listened and helped me that made me feel better. Maybe it was because my body and mind was relieved that I’m not epileptic nor do I have any other physical things wrong with me. Who knows. But now I know.

I now you do too! If you are wondering what my symptoms were: nausea, blurry vision, lack of appetite, disoriented, cloudy headed. If you recently had a panic attack and are feeling these symptoms, you’re body may just be under stress. Take the weekend off, sleep, have some tea, and treat yourself to a nice veggie burger.

Have any of you guys had this problem? Leave a comment below.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

 

What do I need Google?

I was inspired by Jenny Lawson when she did this on her latest post and I thought it was funny so why not try it.

So apparently google fills in crazy as shit when you put your name…

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So…this is the problem with having a name like mine. Like most middle school girls from the early 00’s, they think of Zoey 101 and she apparently was pregnant…? Also I did not think Zoey was short for anything but alright. Lets try something else.

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So apparently the internet is trying to figure out whether or not I’m a dwarf and a good name… Um…alright okay.. What do I have google?

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Um…

And thats about it. I literally couldn’t find anything else interesting. Google you have let me down.

Oh well. You should read Jenny’s cuz its a lot funnier but at least I tried.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

 

Sound bite: A little bit of music support

I decided to do something once a week inspired by something my brother tagged me in on Facebook. It was called play it forward and you were supposed to post a song everyday for 7 days of one week and describe what the song means to you or whatever you wanted to tell about the song and/or its artist. I actually failed at this challenge because I was happened to be given this challenge right as I left for Rome (and no computer). I decided to take this and do it weekly on my blog to show you all my music taste and so you can get a lil’ bit of music in your life.

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Get Better- Frank Turner

So I’ve been listening to Frank Turner for a long time and he truly has an incredible talent when it comes to song writing. He has at least one song from every album he’s made that has hit me with a massive force right in the emotion zone. From his latest album, Positive Songs for Negative People, this song hit me in the face, especially because this album came out when I needed to hear this the most.

When I was told last month that I was never going to get better, I believed her. But thanks to the comments I have gotten and support from my friends and family, I believe it. This song reiterates it even more in something I can listen to over and over again. It makes me believe that I am going to get better.

I wanted to share it with all of you because you have helped me believe that I’m going to get better as much as Frank here has. Its a bit of musical support if you will. An anthem of getting better and a little bit of shining hope in the form of music when things get dark. I wanted to let you know that you all are going to get better, “because we’re not dead yet.”

Enjoy!

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

My past and the abusive relationship we have

I really hate the relationship I have with my past and I really hate that I have a relationship with my past at all. I have never been in an abusive relationship, thank goodness, but I imagine that this is what its like.

My past reminds me constantly of how it has made me into who I am and shows me images of all the wonderful things that have happened in my past. It tells me how much I have grown from it and all the wonderful things I have learned from it that have evidently made me a stronger and wiser woman. It showers me with compliments of how much better I am than I was. For that, I am really thankful for my past because those things aren’t false. My past has made me the person I am today and it has taught me many things that have made me a stronger and wiser woman.

But it refuses to let me move on from it.

I have had a lot of extremely traumatic events happen in my life that have given me all the issues that plague me today. Many of these traumatic events happen to coincide with my relationships with people and specifically trust.

Just to give an example, I had a group of friends in middle school who were my best friends in the entire world. They were stuck by me and we did everything together. Then one day, one girl decided that she wanted to stop being my friend. Instead of telling me this like a sensible person, she ignored me and refused to tell me why she was so mad at me. Instead of replying to my messages, my letters, my tears, she turned the rest of our group of friends against me. Despite telling her that I was on the verge of suicide, she shunned me and never told me her reasons for her cruelty. Since then, I have had one person of that group of people apologize to me and I am happy to say we are wonderful friends and I am forever thankful for her bravery.

The reader may be thinking, “Zoey, you were 14 for fucks sake. Middle school girls can be the worst people ever. Why can’t you get over this?” Well dear judgmental reader, I thought I had. I was traumatized by this event for nearly all of high school. I was skeptical of every friend I had. I went to therapy for it and I did tons of self evaluation. I thought I was over it. Apparently I’m not.

My past takes these traumatic events that my past has scarred me with and continues to infect it to make me unconsciously distrust those whom I love the most.  It shoves it back in my face and says, “Look Zoey, this is why you can’t put your full trust in your friends, your family, your boyfriend.”

And I yell back at my past, “Please, please can’t I just accept this happened and move on from it? I have gone to therapy for years because of this. I have accepted this but I just need you to move on from it. I really just want to put my full trust in people again-”

“No. These events happened for a reason. To show that people will betray you. Even those who say that they love you, they will betray you. You must stay with me because I am the past and I know the truth of these events.” Says my past.

And so therefore I can’t escape my past.

I know deep in my heart this isn’t true. I mantra it every time it pops up in my stupid little head. But the scars on my heart get infected and tell me that I can’t trust them. I just can’t. I want to live in the moment. I want to have a beautiful relationship with the present whom I love so dearly at a distance. But my past has me in chains and it won’t let me go. If someone knows how to cut these chains, how to break up with my past without it killing me, please, please tell me.

Dear people whom I love so much, please know that I dearly wish I could trust you with every ounce of my heart. I want to let you know that my past won’t let me. Please, please forgive me.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

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When in Rome…

In case you don’t follow me on Instagram or Twitter, I have been in Rome by myself for the past week. A lot of things happened while I was there and I did a lot of thinking as well. So here comes…

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(like the banners by the way? I think it adds some spunk)

The Good:

  1. Art: In case you are new to my blog, one of my majors is art history and its truly what I want to do with my life. To be able to visit a place like Rome…it was like walking through the beginning of my art history text book. I saw structures and sculptures and paintings I thought I would never get to see because they seemed so far away and fantastical upon studying them. But I really did get to see Caravaggio’s The Calling of St. Matthew and I really did get to sit in the Sistine Chapel staring up at the ceiling for 45 minutes. It was a dream come true when I think about the fact that I got to see so many works of art and history from my dreams. Walking through the Roman Forum made me feel like I was transported to Roman times. It was astounding.

  2. Sweets: Ok this may sound really childish (but you know what, if you thinks sweets are childish you seriously need to rethink your life) but I ate so many pastries and gelato and yummies. The gelato is good no matter where you get it and everyone makes pastries different and its so fun to try different ones in different parts. Seriously, there are about 4 pastry shops on every street. But you know whats even better that they have? These INCREDIBLE hybrid gelato/pastry/coffee shop/bar/restaurant style things on literally every street and they are the greatest things (and relatively cheap for Rome). If we put these on every street in America, our unemployment problem would be solved. You’re welcome Obama.

  3. CATS: Ok so you know how I’m always telling ya’ll to have a day full of kittens? I ACTUALLY HAD A DAY FILLED WITH CATS! Let me tell you, all of you wonderful followers (you guys need to come up with a cutsie name for yeselves) need to have a day where all you do is literally cuddle cats or dogs or whatever suits your cuddle fancy. Go to a shelter and just ask if you can cuddle their dogs for a bit or cats or lizards whatever. It will warm your heart and instantly make you happy. But let me say, the 2 hours I spent at the Roman cat sanctuary is on par with my day spent in the Sistine Chapel. Thats how amazing it was. I literally had a cat stands on its hind legs and HUG. ME. I had a cat who curled in my lap and fell asleep. It was an amazing experience and I wish it upon you all.

The Bad:

  1. Price: Rome is ridiculous. I paid 11 euros for a really mediocre plate of not a lot of pasta for 3 days before I learned my lesson. So you pay a lot for not great food, but then you’re thinkin’, “I’m in Italy, I should get a glass of their house wine. Thats cheap in other parts of Italy.” but you’re wrong because Rome thats why. A glass of house wine costs about 9 euros. I can get a pint of beer in LONDON for less. So no wine. Fine. Whatever. Just give me some tap water. BUT NO. Can’t use tap water for some reason even though literally there is tap water pouring out of public fountains for you to fill up your water bottle with literally EVERYWHERE IN THE CITY so they charge you for a bottle of water and before you know it you’ve spent 20 euros on a plate of not great pasta, bread you didn’t ask for and WATER. So heres a pro tip: Bring a water bottle with you to every restaurant, you really don’t need that wine, and if they bring you bread, decline it.

  2. Men: Now here is where men will say, “Not all Italian men god Zoey you raging fucking man hating feminist.” but let me tell you, it really felt like all men. I have never felt so uncomfortable walking around a city by myself before. Yes I’ve been cat called. I’m from Miami, I had men cat calling me from out their car windows when I was trying to cross the street on my bike sweaty as hell and gross. I thought that was bad. Nope. In Rome, I had men outwardly look me up and down. Even when I was wearing baggy clothes, I had men whistle at me, attempt to coax me to come to them, call me beautiful in one moment and then a whore the next when I didn’t react to their “compliment”, follow me, and even walk with me attempting me to get a drink with them. This happened to me every day. It was pouring rain and I was covered in my rain gear and men were still saying “Hey beautiful come here”. It was terrifying to be a woman in Rome and I hated it.

  3. Selfie sticks: I’m not talking about actual selfie sticks. I am talking about the people who attempted to sell me selfie sticks, umbrellas, scarves, tickets, everything. It was so horribly obnoxious that I couldn’t walk down the street without some guy shoving a selfie stick in my face or blocking my path to look at a fucking umbrella. I get it, they’re trying to make a living but it is just ridiculous.

    4. Being alone: I thought I could travel alone, but I was wrong and I found out in a lot of bad ways. See, being alone and not talking to people gives you way too much time to get inside your own head. I got in unnecessary spats with my boyfriend over things that shouldn’t have been spatted over because my mind over thought everything. It can’t just leave something alone without dissecting it and it ended up making a lot of things worse. Then came the loneliness. I had to ask for a table for one everywhere I went with nothing to keep me company except for Anna Karenina or solitaire on my phone. Waiters looked at me weird, customers looked at me with pitying eyes. The people in my hostel had people to giggle with and talk to at the end of the day; I had the Legend of Zelda’s Phantom Hourglass (great game by the way). My depression ended up trying to creep back the longer I was alone. And then the panic attacks. I got my first one while I was seeing La Traviata and luckily I was close enough to home that I didn’t think it was a big deal and I felt very proud of myself for handling it so well. And then I went to the Trevi Fountain, about a mile and a half away from my hostel. I got a ridiculously severe panic attack where I couldn’t just go to a quiet place. I was in a place full of people. So I found a little corner of the plaza and shook and cried for 30 minutes. I can’t handle that happening to me again so I will not be traveling alone from this moment on.

The What?!

  1. I met someone from Miami IN ROME! The last night I was in Rome, some Americans (finally) came into the hostel room so I asked where they were from. Turns out one of the girls went to a high school that rivaled mine! It was pretty sweet to share some familiar memories, even if only for a few minutes.
  2. I had a waiter sing “You are not alone” while showing me to my table for one.
  3. I had a guy think I was Italian because I “look Mediterranean.” (Keep in mind, I think the only thing Mediterranean looking about me is my huge Greek eyebrows, but I’m pale as fuck otherwise).
  4. One waiter only referred to me as “miss book lover” as he served me.
  5. The owner of the cat sanctuary’s favorite cat was a cat named Piopo who only had 3 legs, half a tail, one eye and he couldn’t use a litter box. He was her favorite because “he snores”.

Well I think that about wraps it up.

I got a Facebook page! If you like my stuff, go on over and give it a like!

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Q&A Part 4: London Halfway

So if you didn’t know, I’ve been in London for 2 months now which makes me halfway through my program! Hooray! You got your questions, and I got you some answers. Lets do this.

Have you started talking with a British accent?

Haha no I have not! I think I’ve started picking up some of the lingo though but nooo no accent.

What words do you find especially different?

Although my boyfriend says it all the time, I’m still not used to the fact that people say cheers instead of thank you. I asked someone where the sweaters were and they said “the jumpers are over there.” Lets see… They think slut is a more insulting word than cunt… Uhm… I honestly can’t think of a lot thats significantly different than the usual. OH! Also a “white van man” is NOT the same in America as we found out. A “white van man” is a guy who is like a blue collar worker and middle class. Someone who fixes like air conditioners and stuff. Not child abductors.

Do you get a lot of questions about Donald Trump?

Absolutely. People are fascinated by American politics. They just completely don’t understand how people can vote for Donald Trump. Then the question is always, “Why don’t you guys just be like Britain and vote for Bernie?” and I’m like “RIGHT?!?!” But thats just my politics. Hillary ain’t so bad. But yeah no people are really quite terrified of Donald Trump, but they find him more hysterical than anything and ask if the things he say are true and I reluctantly have to say yes. Its more of an embarrassment when people ask about Trump more than anything.

What do they think of our gun laws?

They don’t get it. Thats the one thing that people 100% do not understand about the US. Guns are COMPLETELY outlawed in the UK, even policemen don’t carry guns and you can’t buy or sell guns in the UK and everyone is completely okay with this. There is quite a bunch of knife crime in England, but no guns. Ever since like one bad instance with guns, they just outlawed them. People are so terrified here that anyone can get guns. My English History professor gets flabbergasted every time he brings it up.

Do you attend classes and what are they like?

Well.. I kinda do and don’t. I have two completely scheduled classes and 2 classes taught by the professor where he kind of just does whatever the fuck he wants. My scheduled classes are my art history class and my English History. My art history class is every Tuesday and we meet at a different museum every week. Depending if we’re doing modern art or pre-20th century art, it depends which professor we meet with. We walk around museums or exhibits and talk about the art and its literally a dream come true. My English History class meets in a classroom every Wednesday night and we talk about England and its history, politics, and all that jazz and discuss about it. It sounds boring but its actually a lot of fun and our professor is just the bomb. Now my theatre and music classes are always kind of up in the air about what we’re doing each week. Sometimes we have lectures, but other times we walk around London for 8 hours going to each place that Shakespeare went or having a scavenger hunt based on songs written about areas of London. Every week though, we go to at least one theatre performance and one music performance. Its pretty surreal.

Speaking of theatre, how is that?

Can I speak completely honestly? I’m severely underwhelmed. I might get a shit ton of hate for this, but keep in mind this is my very spoiled opinion because I’ve seen a lot of absolutely incredible theatre in Miami and on Broadway. I have been to one show thats blown me away, and the rest of it I’ve been like meh or yeah that was fine. But honestly I went and saw Matilda and the main girl who played Matilda was the least expressive actress I’ve ever seen and don’t give me that “but she’s young give her a break” bullshit because the rest of the kids in that show were UNBELIEVABLE. Each time I’ve been like, “Omg I’m in London this show is gonna be amazing” and then I’m like, “eh… alright.” Trust me, I’m not the only one in my group who feels this way.

Are you going to see Uncle ____?

I will try! I don’t have a lot of time to travel outside of my group but I will certainly try!

Speaking of travel, have you done a lot?

I am very fortunate to say I have! A majority of it has been with my group though. I think I’ve traveled alone once and I’m going to Italy for Spring Break but thats about it. Every other place I’ve been has been with my group and it has been awesome. So far I’ve been to Scotland: St. Andrews, Edinburgh, Glasgow; England: Oxford, York, and Leeds. And then we’re also going to Bath at some point and Stonehenge and I’m planning on going to Salisbury and Durham cuz they got some sick Gothic Cathedrals!

Thats all I got for now folks! Keep an eye out for more q&a sessions when I announce them on twitter or my up and coming facebook page and you too can have a question answered! For now, enjoy the slideshow of what I’ve been up to thus far!

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Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

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