I really hate the relationship I have with my past and I really hate that I have a relationship with my past at all. I have never been in an abusive relationship, thank goodness, but I imagine that this is what its like.
My past reminds me constantly of how it has made me into who I am and shows me images of all the wonderful things that have happened in my past. It tells me how much I have grown from it and all the wonderful things I have learned from it that have evidently made me a stronger and wiser woman. It showers me with compliments of how much better I am than I was. For that, I am really thankful for my past because those things aren’t false. My past has made me the person I am today and it has taught me many things that have made me a stronger and wiser woman.
But it refuses to let me move on from it.
I have had a lot of extremely traumatic events happen in my life that have given me all the issues that plague me today. Many of these traumatic events happen to coincide with my relationships with people and specifically trust.
Just to give an example, I had a group of friends in middle school who were my best friends in the entire world. They were stuck by me and we did everything together. Then one day, one girl decided that she wanted to stop being my friend. Instead of telling me this like a sensible person, she ignored me and refused to tell me why she was so mad at me. Instead of replying to my messages, my letters, my tears, she turned the rest of our group of friends against me. Despite telling her that I was on the verge of suicide, she shunned me and never told me her reasons for her cruelty. Since then, I have had one person of that group of people apologize to me and I am happy to say we are wonderful friends and I am forever thankful for her bravery.
The reader may be thinking, “Zoey, you were 14 for fucks sake. Middle school girls can be the worst people ever. Why can’t you get over this?” Well dear judgmental reader, I thought I had. I was traumatized by this event for nearly all of high school. I was skeptical of every friend I had. I went to therapy for it and I did tons of self evaluation. I thought I was over it. Apparently I’m not.
My past takes these traumatic events that my past has scarred me with and continues to infect it to make me unconsciously distrust those whom I love the most. It shoves it back in my face and says, “Look Zoey, this is why you can’t put your full trust in your friends, your family, your boyfriend.”
And I yell back at my past, “Please, please can’t I just accept this happened and move on from it? I have gone to therapy for years because of this. I have accepted this but I just need you to move on from it. I really just want to put my full trust in people again-”
“No. These events happened for a reason. To show that people will betray you. Even those who say that they love you, they will betray you. You must stay with me because I am the past and I know the truth of these events.” Says my past.
And so therefore I can’t escape my past.
I know deep in my heart this isn’t true. I mantra it every time it pops up in my stupid little head. But the scars on my heart get infected and tell me that I can’t trust them. I just can’t. I want to live in the moment. I want to have a beautiful relationship with the present whom I love so dearly at a distance. But my past has me in chains and it won’t let me go. If someone knows how to cut these chains, how to break up with my past without it killing me, please, please tell me.
Dear people whom I love so much, please know that I dearly wish I could trust you with every ounce of my heart. I want to let you know that my past won’t let me. Please, please forgive me.
Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?