From a bathroom to bubbles

No one would have guessed by looking at the girl wrapped in a Scottish cape blowing bubbles and singing along to Debussy’s Clair de Lune was sobbing on the bathroom floor only 5 minutes before. I was blowing these bubbles and watching them flutter about to the augmented and seventh arpeggios of the music and thinking how I could make them symbolize something about what happened.

I’ve said this before, but being this fucked up mental health wise is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through (and my appendix ruptured when I was 12). I’ll be having a fine day, just working my ass off because finals are in 2 weeks and I’ll be reading a web comic to destress and then BOOM! 

All of a sudden you’ll hear me sobbing loudly from the bathroom (the only place in my flat I can find privacy) clutching my boyfriend’s sweater and trying so desperately not to reach for a razor in my bathroom to make the interior pain subside for a few hours. I can’t express how desperately I want to give up. People tell me all the time how strong I’m being (thank you for that) but I don’t want to be strong anymore. I’m tired of constantly having to be strong against myself. I want to just relax and not feel like I’m always fighting off my own fucked up mind. I want to be strong for other people. I want to be able to save this strength for when I need it, not every waking hour.

I want to say something cheesy like blowing the bubbles symbolizes my depression making itself huge and then popping away, never to be seen again. But lets be honest, if depression and anxiety was really like that, I wouldn’t be fighting like this.

I see the same tear stained face reflected in every bubble that flutters away from me and I reflect on Cinderella while she’s scrubbing the floor and singing to herself. All she is doing is waiting for life to turn around for her so she can escape the horrid life she has.

If we take this Cinderella metaphor and apply it to my situation it makes a lot of sense to me . Lets swap the Evil Step-sisters and Step-Mother for my mental illnesses and her little animal friends for the people who have helped support me through all of this. She tries to act happy for her friends who are always there to help her and to keep herself sane, but her step family is cruel and tearing her beautiful life to shreds when she has a sliver of a chance of finding happiness again. When she’s scrubbing the floor and having the bubbles swirl around her, she’s about to hear about the ball and she’s imagining herself in a better place. Step mother of course ruins everything and then Cinderella is saved by her fairy godmother and her friends and marries a wonderful handsome prince.

Except…I don’t have a fairy godmother, my little furry friends are about 8,000 miles away, and my prince is over 10,500 miles away from me. Maybe the Anxiety Treatment Center I’m going to in late April will be my fairy godmother and my prince will return to me one day. Maybe then, I’ll have my happily ever after.

Hopefully…

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

2 comments

  1. Ryell Gray · April 3, 2016

    There are a million things I want to respond but don’t really know where to start…Basically, I know exactly how you feel. Having a smile on my face for the comfort and sanity of those around me is just as exhausting as the struggles I go through everyday. I have never felt so alone as when my partner left on her own adventures to study abroad as you’re doing now. My heart has never broken so deeply as when she suggested we go on a break and basically “see other people.” Im over here thinking to myself ‘how in the world would I be okay with seeing other people when all I want is you?!?’ Then I find out she is kinda having this thing with a guy and Im so numb I don’t feel anything when reading that. She’s so far away that the situation feels far away. And she seems so content. I don’t want her to be not happy, but Im over here feeling like shit. I finally asked a girl out I thought was cute. Her and I have become friends, but last night we kissed. All I could think of my my kinda ex-girlfriend and wanted to cry. Of course Im going to step back and let the courses of fate work out as they may, but I cant help the heart-broken shittyness that I feel. I came home at 2am last night after walking around in the dark cold and ran into my neighbor who gave me this advise: ‘Dude, just feel fucking shitty. Knowing what you’re going through relationships-wise and health-wise, if you always had a smile on your face Id be fucking worried. Go home, drink water, pee a lot, and take the next couple days to yourself. Disappear and listen to sad music, watch sad movies, eat ice cream and embrace the shitty. Among that, you’ll find yourself, don’t worry.’ This advice may not solve all my problems, but it felt good for once to be told its okay to feel like a legit pile of poo and to lay on the floor and embrace that.
    I admire how you go from crying in the bathroom to blowing bubbles because I feel like I can relate to that so much. Honestly, isn’t that how life is? Walking a fine line between challenges and insanity and trying not to fall into either?
    Last night I cried in my bed. Today Im listening to Sam Smith (one of my favs) and letting the shitty feeling consume me until it slowly seeps into the floor.
    There’s never a right way to handle anything, whether relationship or illness, but there should always be time to cry in the bathroom and blow bubbles.
    Thank you for being you<3

    Liked by 1 person

    • okayzoeyk · April 3, 2016

      Thank you so much for opening up and feeling like you can tell your story. I can completely relate to your story. Although my boyfriend and I are not taking a break, he is thousands of miles away and sometimes can only talk to me for a few hours every week. Life is a bitch and it really fucking sucks but sometimes you gotta put the sad music away and blow bubbles. I applaud your courage and your strong spirit. This shitty experience is making you a stronger person every day even though you may feel like you’re crumbling

      Like

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