Nightmare Turned Dream

So it is known that I have nightmares quite frequently (according to my psychiatrist thats not normal but eh…at this point nothing is normal about me) so much to the fact that they don’t really faze me anymore. Last night I had a really strange nightmare.

It started with me riding my bike in to high school (so already you can tell its a nightmare). I am greeted by my friends and we walk around my high school and its very dark and stormy looking, but its not raining. All of a sudden, I see pamphlets everywhere for different things, but one of them is my report card but not even from high school, from collage. The thing is that this is like an interim report card where its just to let me know where I am during the semester and its not final. But these grades are bad. It starts out with As and ends with Cs and Ds because certain grades hadn’t been processed. I started freaking out. Trying to rip them off every wall I could see. They were bright yellow. Next to them were more posters that had curses at me and saying what a failure I was. I ended up in my art history room crying my eyes out, wishing they would all disappear.

Suddenly, my friends, from high school and college, were beside me. They were asking me how this happened and if I had any idea who did this. They were there for me like they are in real life. They helped take all of the pamphlets and posters down and got the administration and teachers involved. It was like my brain solved my own nightmare. It was completely bizarre.

The best part was when I found out who did it. It was a girl who was the exact opposite of me in every way; the anti-Zoey. She wasn’t anybody I had ever met in my past. It was like my mind had manifested everything I had never wanted to be and put it in this human manifestation. So she admitted to me that she did this. So I grabbed her ear and punched her in the eye and dragged her by her ear and arm to the administration and got her to admit (unusually) what she did. And then I got to sock her in the stomach for fun.

Besides the unusual amount of random violence in this dream, I think it held a certain kind of meaning. I’m currently in treatment in Sacramento for my various problems and I am determined to work through them and get better. I think this dream shows that all of the bad sides of my mental illness are showing themselves and I am taking charge and making them punished and socking them in the stomach (for fun). It also showed that even in my dreams I’m not alone. I have friends who are willing to help me and will always be there to back me up.

As awful as it started, it had a pretty dope ending. Lets hope that I too will have a dope ending come the end of May.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

My London Experience: A Conclusion

I apologize in advance for how long this took me to get to. Jet lag and general laziness helped with the delay. This is going to be a long post, just so you’re prepared.

Here we go..

I am finally back in California surrounded by mountains and fresh air with an improved mood and looking forward to my future. Sure I’m exhausted because my inner clock is all whacked out and I think its 1 am at 9pm and 11 am at 5 am but I feel my mood significantly lighter. I mean, it is pretty difficult not to feel great when you’re staring out at an amazing view with a cup of tea in your hand. But in all seriousness, I think the lack of nature was a huge impact to my mood and was a source of my depression. Although I know my depression isn’t gone, nature certainly helps keep my head afloat.

The reason why this post also took me a long time is because I have trouble putting my experience in words. So I decided I’m going to do this in categories because why not.

What I learned:

Lets start with the obvious and not get too wishy washy (which is going to happen knowing me). As far as academics go, I gained an amazing new insight into paintings and how people interacted with them. My entire independent project was based on what people saw first in paintings and to see if there was a connection between that and how the painting make them felt (spoiler alert: there is none) and I had a blast researching it and presenting it to my peers. I learned and finally understood (somewhat…as best as I could) English politics and how their political system works. Coming from America, its always fascinating to see how other countries are run and how their political system worked. I learned all about the history of English music and theatre (even if the teacher  who taught me those things was a pain in the ass).

As for what I learned about myself…I learned that I am not a city girl and last Summer I learned that I’m not a country girl. I’m a nice in between. I didn’t realize how badly I needed nature or how much the lack of it would impact my mood. People are now going to complain and say, “But Zoey, there are lots of parks in London! Plus you can just go right outside of London and go hiking, right?” Well.. yes you’re somewhat right. There are lots of parks of London, but its manicured and not a substitute for natural nature. As far as going outside of London, let me tell you finding a trail is not that easy. Also I simply didn’t have that kind of time where I could just pop on a 3 hour train and try to go hiking. If I wasn’t working my ass off, I was mentally recovering from it. I learned what it was like to pick myself up without any help and not because I wanted to, but circumstantially I was forced to. I learned how some of my panic attacks are caused: exhaustion and being overwhelmed. I learned how much long distance really FUCKING SUCKS but also how it brings a couple more together and stronger.

Overall rating of the program: 8/10

This rating is based on my fellow participants, my professors, the trips we took, and how I felt in London in general. So here are the breakdowns

Fellow participants: 9/10. I loved most of the people I was on the trip with. There were a couple of people who I didn’t feel any connection to whatsoever but thats not necessarily their fault. My biggest pet peeve was the fact that our kitchen was constantly filthy and I was always having to do other people’s dishes.

Professors: 7/10 I wish I could exclude one professor mainly because he was the only reason why this is a 7/10 instead of a 10/10. The other 3 professors we had were absolutely incredible and I’m even friends on Facebook with one of them and they’re just awesome people in general.

Out of London trips: 10/10 Out of London, we went to Glasgow, Edinburgh, York, Oxford, Stonehenge, Bath, and Leeds.

London in general: 7/10 As far as a city, its pretty incredible how much it can jam into one place. Not only is it a art hub of the world, but it has an incredible theatre and music scene. The biggest issue is that it is scattered all over the city and at times can be very difficult to find. It also seems like there are really stable communities in all of these fields. It is a shockingly neat city seeing as how everyone smokes and are constantly throwing cigarette butts where they choose.

 Conclusion

I don’t know why this was so hard for me to write but it was. It was one of the first times I’ve ever gotten writers block writing a blog post. I wouldn’t trade the experience I had, even if it was ridiculously tough at many times, for anything. I learned invaluable things that I wouldn’t have gotten from any other experience and for that, I am incredible grateful.

Now I will start my journey into fixing my mental stability. (eep)

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Sound Bite: Nothin’s Ever Lost Forever

Screen Shot 2016-03-11 at 11.46.37 PM

Lost- Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra

I was shown this song and really this entire album by one of my best friends in a really low point in my life. She showed me Amanda Palmer while I snuggled up with her ridiculously soft cat and she played this song and told me it always brought her back when she was low. I listened to it and immediately felt the same way. Last Summer was really hard for me for a lot of different ways (look at my 2015 review for details) and as soon as I got back from her house, I went and downloaded this album. Now that I’m having a rough time in London, this song popped up on my computer and it set my head straight for the moment. Sometimes y’know, you need a song to set your head straight.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

I too, am a Winged Victory

So if you follow me on twitter  or instagram, you would know that I got myself a new tattoo.

 Thats it right over there. If you don’t know what it is, its the Winged Victory of Samothrace (or Nike of Samothrace) from the Hellenistic Grecian period.

Why did I get a statue on my forearm?

Well, its for a couple of reasons. One, I fucking love tattoos and I can’t not pass up the opportunity of getting a tattoo. Two, I wanted to get a tattoo from London so that I would never forget what I’ve learned here not only as a student, but how I’ve grown as a person during these 4 months. Three, if we’re going to be honest (I mean its my blog, when I am I not brutally honest about this shit) I really needed something to cover up the new scars I’ve made on my arms.

The Winged Victory to me symbolizes how much shit I’ve gone through mentally on this trip, but I am victorious over it. I wanted to leave London and go back to California so many times during this program because my mental illnesses were getting to the point where they were interfering with my everyday life to an extreme. I have gotten to ridiculously dark places on this trip that I thought I would never see again. I considered suicide and I self-harmed myself.

But you know what?

This tattoo shows that I did it. I went through all of this shit and I emerged victorious. I may have gotten a few hits (like my head and arms) but my wings are still spread in victory and for that I am a survivor. This tattoo is going to serve as a reminder that I can truly do it. That I have gotten to a dark recess of my mind and life and when I thought I couldn’t do it, I was victorious. It reflects my continue tattoo on my other forearm perfectly. I put my fists up and I have these two reminders of how strong I can be.

And you know what else? If you’ve been through similar shit as I have and you’ve gotten to a dark place but emerged victorious, you too are a winged victory. Even if it was being able to get out of bed for 5 days straight, you are a winged victory. We all can be winged victories.

SO FUCK YOU DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY I AM THE WINGED VICTORY OF ZOEYTOWN

Yeah, bitch. 


 

And another thing I can’t help but mention. I was exposed this past week to an amazing community via twitter, known as the Bloggess Tribe. The Bloggess has this amazing community of people who always help her our through panic attacks and her mental illnesses and she decided that it would be pretty rad if we all actually talked to each other, so she opened a forum for all of us to talk to each other. It has been an amazing experience seeing that I’m not alone and how strangers can help each other out in this kind of forum. So thank you Bloggess Tribe. Ya’ll are pretty damn dope.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.