It’s been….it’s been a while. I have drafts upon drafts of things I wanted to put on this blog but never had the confidence to press publish. My reasons for not doing so were grounded and personal, mainly because they were either so depressing or suicidal or a combination of both, I was worried that posting them would do more harm than good for other people around me.
I know I’m not alone when I say 2016 was a horrendous year for. Multiple celebrities I looked up to have passed; the US president-elect is the stuff of my nightmares; I reached such a low point in my depression that when I couldn’t tell if I was getting better or not, my mom hugged me and said, “You’re back with us again.” I very seriously attempted suicide. Got my letter written and everything. I’ve never felt more alone, but somehow I also have never felt more supported in my life. It’s interesting how depression fucks things up like that.
I have not stopped thanking people who have helped me during this steaming shit pile that is this year. For the sake of their privacy, I will not disclose who, but for those who are Facebook friends with me, you have seen that status expressing my gracious amount of thanks and I have never stopped feeling unbelievably thankful.
I don’t want to say that 2017 is going to be better because I thought 2015 was a steaming pile of shit and then it got about a million times worse in 2016. I have no idea what 2017 is going to be like. I don’t even want to hope 2017 is going to be better because I have had my hopes dashed so many times this year that I’ve given up. I’m not going to say “New year, new me” because honestly, I’m new everyday.
Instead I’m going to live a day at a time. Yes I am scared of this year because my mind no longer believes things will get better, but instead lives in a constant state of fear of what will get worse (I’m working on it). I can’t be scared if I’m living in this exact moment. Nothing can hurt me in this present moment. The past can’t hurt me, the future can’t hurt me. Yes the present can, but I will deal with it a moment at a time.
I feel like that’s all I can do. No promises, no resolutions, just taking one day at a time.