We’re Not Cookies

TW: suicide.


The title seems laughably cheesy, but I wished I had realized it earlier.

I have been through a lot of shit in my life that I wish that I had never been through and for a while it seemed like the shit never stopped coming my way. When I was taught to stop looking at life like its my constant enemy and started learning to love myself, my life really and truly started turning around. But I made a mistake in this positive growth; I thought I was nearly done. I thought all I needed was the icing on the cake (which for me is not visibly cringing and recoiling when I receive compliments) and then I’d be a better version of myself; a complete metamorphosis of the girl who is Zoey. But I was wrong.

Over the past couple of days I made a lot of stupid mistakes that I wish I could turn back time and undo. But I can’t. Instead of accepting my actions, learning from them, and moving on, I couldn’t handle what I had did and so I tried to end my life for what feels like the umpteenth time in a year. Suddenly, it was like because I had made these mistakes that completely questioned my character of who I thought I was, I didn’t trust myself anymore. All of that work I did on self love was thrown out the window. I started hating myself and this hidden element that I had discovered had stained me. I couldn’t love myself with this revealed new piece to my puzzle without edges. I didn’t think I could let anyone love me now that this part of me had been revealed to me and I didn’t trust myself with anyone. So what is the answer? Suicide of course because what normal person would think of that.

So I spent some time in a hospital recovering and then after that rather horrific experience, I saw my therapist today.

I explained to her why I didn’t feel fit to live and the situation that led me to this life-ending decision. I told her why I felt like I couldn’t love myself again and she asked a really important question:

“Who are you besides what you have been made to believe?”

I took a longer pause than I probably should have. “I’m…a singer and an art historian.”

Therapist: “There’s much more than just your majors.”

Me: “…..I’m a daughter and a sister and an aunt and a friend.”

Therapist: “And you are many, many other things. You have to realize that you cannot let one flaw that someone has revealed to you define your entire self and your entire existence. That sounds like the perfect recipe to drive yourself crazy.”

Damn those therapists…they’re smart as fuck.

So my warning to you readers, and what I’m taking from this experience, is that we people are not baked goods. We’re never done.

We’re more like trees: we keep growing and growing until one day we reach that life span or the sun explodes or something. Sometimes we get mites in our barks, but we still have the root system under which we started and just because there’s mites, doesn’t mean they’ll stay there forever and that suddenly the rest of the tree is worthless. There are still are all of those branches that took all that time to grow and are still continuing to grow.  A bird may come and eat the mites and that doesn’t mean the mite problem is suddenly solved.

I’m going to continue growing my branches and my root system and I’m going to call every bird in the forest to come get rid of these mites until I can go back to being a healthy tree again. But for now, its a work in progress.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call or text one of the following numbers and seek help immediately. There is help and you are never alone. 

Suicide Prevention Hotline:  1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741 

A Letter From Senior Year Me

I arrived back from treatment on Thursday and along with a Makar plushie from the Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker sent from my brother, I had a letter written to me, from me. I didn’t remember writing a letter to myself recently so I opened it confused. It was a letter from when I was a senior in high school while I was doing this program called “Inward Bound”.

I was a speaker at this program for the middle school kids at my school about bullying. I went through a ton of bullying while I was in middle school and the therapist at school wanted me to share my story along with four other seniors. I had completely forgot that I wrote a letter and I didn’t expect to receive it nearly 3 years later. I thought I’d share some  of it and my reply now that I’m nearly 3 years older and in college.

“Dear Little Miss College, 11/8/13

So I’m currently at the Middle School participating in Inward Bound with the 8th graders here. I have to talk about what happened to me in 8th grade (note, it was horrible). Not gonna lie, it was one of the most difficult speeches I’ve ever had to write. A lot of feeling threatened to rise again, but they need to hear it. I’d be shocked if at least one of them wasn’t going through something similar to what I went through. We’re taking a trip on the emotion roller coaster. Woo! (Woo indeed).

Happy belated birthday miss a-dult! Its only been a few days, but the high of entering this new point of my life still hasn’t worn off. I just applied to Lewis & Clark College, Bard College, and Clark University 2 weeks ago (but I still haven’t heard from Bard…). I hope you are having an unbelievable time at one of these schools, and I hope you are using and taking advantage of all the tools college will have for you. 

I’m so jealous that you’re in college. I just can’t wait to get out of this fucking place once and for all. I can’t imagine missing it right now, but do you? Is college better than high school? Are you able to do all of the things I am hoping and dreaming of doing now? 

I hope that through all of this new, you are still sticking to some of the old. Please never lose sight of who you really are just because you’re in a new place. I like who I am now. Don’t change. 

Good luck with the rest of your life! -Zoey” 

Here is my reply.

Dear Little Miss High School,  5/29/16

I’m currently at mom and dad’s house in California (yes they actually moved) after being in treatment for that crippling anxiety and depression you ignored for that entire year. But I’m better now! I remember that day like it was yesterday, my friend. A girl came up to you crying her eyes out and thanked you profusely. I hold on to that memory dearly. One of your teachers wrote you an email that you never deleted thanking you for your words. You never realized what an impact you made and you won’t until you receive an award at graduation that you never expected. You will finally feel respect from that toxic community and its gonna feel weird as fuck.

I’m glad you enjoyed being 18, but let me tell you if you thought that felt weird, imagine almost being 21. I am now at the college you fell head over heels in love with and I am so happy. I am taking advantage of everything it has to offer, even if it gets overwhelming quite a bit. Its so worth it. I wish I could show you to shed some light on this dark point in your life.

To answer your questions: I do not miss high school. I have not missed high school ever since I walked across that stage. Yes, college is way better than high school. Better than you ever imagined. I don’t remember all of the things you were hoping and dreaming of, but if being in a cappella, rehearsing 15 hours a week and double majoring in things you love was part of it, then girl you are living the fucking dream.

Zoey… I needed to change. Yes, I am still still true to myself and some of that old of being whoever the fuck I wanted to be without other people giving a shit. But I finally let that wall you painstakingly built come down. I know it was so helpful while you were in high school, but it does nothing but create problems further down the road. I am so much happier not just because I’m in college, but because I’m finally loving myself. I know its so hard for you to fathom that but its actually happening and its wonderful.

You are going to have a very tough couple of years after this. You are going to feel that depression again and all of the toughness you felt isn’t going to go away; its just going to be manifested a little differently. But girl…you are so fucking strong. You survived that shit of a school. You can do anything now. You are so strong and I know its hard being strong, but you can do it.

Also you end up bisexual. Hope that’s alright 😉

Good luck with the rest of your life!

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

 

A Thank You Note to Yourself

I may be the Queen of Self-Hatred, but I am earnestly working on becoming the Duchess of Self-Love (Can I pleeeaassee have a crown now?) Since I’ve been the Queen of Self-Hatred for so long, its really difficult for me to see myself in any sort of positive light, because I find hating myself is a lot safer than loving myself and then having others crush it…like it did in middle and high school. So now that I’m actually getting appreciated for what I work my ass off doing (shocking, right? Its like there are stable and healthy learning environments!) I’m letting my guard down and letting myself love me (and truth be told, its really fucking weird).

So one way I did this was by writing a thank you letter to myself. I’m not going to post it, unless people want me too, because I thought it would be a little egotistical if I did. But I’m writing this post to say that all of you should! It was a little bit difficult at first. But treat it like you’re writing a thank you note to a teacher you really loved, your best friend, or a family member for all of the awesome things they have done for you. Treat it like you’re writing a yearbook paragraph to yourself.

Thank yourself for the little things first if you’re having trouble thinking of anything to thank yourself for. Thank yourself for doing the dishes that one time. Thank yourself for waking up every morning and dragging your ass to that job. Thank yourself for that one time you smiled at someone. Thank yourself for buying yourself that piece of chocolate. Once you start thanking yourself for the little things, you can start to open up about bigger things. Thank yourself for never letting your guard down, or being the best pet parent ever, or for your diction. Find the light that you always saw that maybe no one else did. Or, shine the light that people tried to cover up and sincerely thank yourself for it. You work your ass off being you everyday and gosh dammit you should thank yourself for it! You don’t need someone else to thank you because you are your harshest critic and the one who’s opinion really matters the most.

I was told a lot when I was younger by peers (not my parents or teachers) that having self-compassion meant you were selfish and that’s unattractive. Let’s be clear that there is a huge difference between being egotistical and being self-compassionate. A friend of mine said the difference is, “Selfish is when you do something for yourself at the expense of someone else while self-love is when you’re honest to yourself about your flaws and forgiving them, while still sternly maintaining discipline. Self-love has to be derived from the right sources .Compliments are iffy, the actions of others is bad, you have to find it just through your own thoughts and actions.”.

Self compassion is letting yourself be happy for your own expense in the long term. Its not self-indulgence, self-esteem, or self-pity. Its exhausting hating yourself. But rewarding yourself for things that should be rewarded is easy and is better in the long run.

Start small. I’ll start. Thanks Zoey for not letting people’s judgment deter you away from being your really weird, awesome ass self.

What do you thank yourself for? Comment below!

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

 

LDRs as Told by Zoey

While I was with my , now, ex-boyfriend, I kept logs of how I felt during our long distance relationship. It was filled with the ups and downs of what being in a long distance relationship between two continents was like and I thought it would be great to share once we finally came back to each other. We would be separated from each other by thousands of miles for nearly 8 months. I had already had one failed long distance relationship and I was absolutely terrified I would be experiencing my second.

I’m not going to share these logs. I deleted them. It brings back a lot of pain I am not ready to face right now. But instead, I thought that I would share at least what being in a long distance relationship (twice) was like. You can do what you want with my experiences, take it as a warning or take it with a grain of salt, but I wanted to put this out there for 0other people and also for me. (To keep things clear, most recent Ex: Ex 1. First ex: Ex 2.


In my opinion, the hardest part of long distance is goodbye. I’ve never felt words choke out of my mouth like they did when I had to say goodbye to my most recent ex. When he finally let go of my hand, I felt like my world crashed down around me.Saying goodbye is not easy and it doesn’t get easier. I would visit my first boyfriend  every 2-3 months and it hurt like a bitch every time. I kept thinking, “Its going to get easier, its going to get easier.” And it never did. I wish sometimes I could have seen my most recent boyfriend, but at other times I was very glad I didn’t.

Skype is an amazing invention, but keeping it at a minimum of once a week makes it much sweeter. That way, you actually have something to talk about. Nothing sucks more than staring at a screen with having absolutely nothing to say. Yes, seeing their face is nice and all, but sometimes it makes the missing worse.  Texting is also awesome, but again I was really thankful that he and I were on wildly different time zones. That way I felt like we were both having our own experiences and we weren’t texting each other while going on about our day. Instead, Ex 1 and I texted when we woke up and before we went to bed for about 20 minutes and then had to say goodbye.

I was with Ex 2 for 5 years before he finally left for school and we had never spent a moment a part from each other except for being on different campuses when he was in high school and I in middle school. When he went to college while I was in high school, the whole world shifted. I had never been this far away from him before for so long. With Ex 1, we spent every winter and summer break apart from each other for months and weeks at a time, so distance wasn’t foreign to us when we parted on our separate journeys. That being said, it didn’t make it any easier.

Maturity levels also played a lot into our relationship. I have grown significantly as person between when I was dating Ex 2 vs. dating Ex 1. And this may be just advice in general, but there is a huge difference between a high school and a college relationship. My relationship with Ex 1 was just a more mature relationship in general. I think if we had survived the distance, and I really wish we had, it would have made us stronger as a couple. We were tackling really difficult things a part and if we had stayed together, we would have been stronger than ever.

Something that actually made us feel more together was when we played video games together. Even something as simple as Words with Friends made me feel like we were doing something together, and when we played Civilization V together for hours on end, it made me feel like he was really there with me. We also were a gamer couple to begin with, but if you and your partner weren’t, it might be fun to try it anyway. Although Civilization V is a little pricey, you can find plenty of cheap coplayer games on Steam or even free MMOs online to play together.

One of the other hardest parts of a LDR is the fact that you don’t witness how much each other change. Both he and I were going through some really life altering changes from our own study abroad experiences, and many times this would make us butt heads and get into disagreements when we had never fought before. Be prepared for this, but understand why it happens so forgiveness (if needed) can be immediate. As a couple, you’re keenly aware of when one goes through a change and you’re most likely there to witness it. When you’re away, you don’t see it at all.

Communication about how you are feeling is key. You have to let each other know how you’re doing; tell them the ups and the downs. If you hide how much the distance is hurting you, like I did in my first relationship, then it will tear it a part from the inside out. If you feel like you’re falling out of love with that person, tell them. If you feel like things are going better than expected, tell them. Keeping each other clued in about how you’re feeling as a whole about the relationship is incredibly important.

I don’t believe in taking breaks, but I know a lot of couples who do. I witnessed most couples who “took a break” (meaning they still were together but saw people on the side) break up in the end and end up with the people they saw on the side. I know couples who have taken breaks who have been just fine. I don’t believe in it because it just didn’t make any sense. I didn’t have any interest in seeing anyone else and I felt like if my Ex 1 saw anyone else, even if we were on a break, I would still get tremendously hurt.

Last but not least, your mental health comes first before the relationship. I wish I had ended my first relationship earlier because I spiraled down into horrendous separation anxiety and depression and that LDR is what caused me to have my first panic attack at prom. When the idea of ending a relationship starts to take a weight off your shoulders, its time to take a break or end it. I am not sure if my depression and anxiety were worse because of my most recent LDR, but they certainly didn’t help. Take care of yourself.

In the wise words of Rupaul Charles: “If you can’t love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?”

Amen Ru, Amen.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Getting Better is Really Hard

So for those of you who don’t know, I’m in an anxiety treatment center because yes, my disorders have gotten so bad that I need intensive therapy everyday for 3 hours. This is also why I haven’t posted for 2 weeks and for that, I deeply apologize. I’ve been sitting at my computer for the past couple of weeks with multiple drafts trying to think of something funny or encouraging or lighthearted to say while I go through this self-transforming process.

But let me tell you, its really hard to take this lightly because this shit is really fucking hard.

I’m receiving multiple kinds of treatment:

  • Exposure Therapy: Exposing me to my anxieties and various phobias and fears and making me feel the anxiety it gives me until it goes away (yes it is as awful as it sounds and I have to trust my therapist when she says it works).
  • Cognitive Distortion Treatment: So everybody beats themselves up and tells themselves things that aren’t true and makes themselves feel shitty. The difference between me and everybody else is that I do it constantly and I didn’t see it as wrong until I was told so. So I’m now analyzing every single self-deprecating thought until I can catch my cognitive distortions or bad thoughts (to be put in much much simpler terms).
  • Teaching Self-Compassion and Mindfulness: Fun fact: I hate myself. I don’t mean this in a joking way; I genuinely hate myself. And I am 100% cool with this fact even though I really shouldn’t be. I built this wall of self-hatred around me because I was sick of putting so much energy into my passions that weren’t getting any recognition while I was in middle and high school. So now I have to unlearn hating myself and recognizing that I actually have talent and I’m smart. Some would call this Impostor Syndrome.
  • Group Therapy

I’ve also been digging up my past and writing letters to people in my past that I have severely affected me but they’ll never get to read and I’ve been forced to let go of some habits that I felt keep me safe. I’ve had to learn that forgiveness doesn’t mean that it makes what that person did okay, but rather a part of letting go and letting that person go as well. There is one I still refuse to forgive, but maybe that will come in time.

Its not easy and its not fun and it doesn’t all start taking affect the first few days like I wished it would. There has been an immense amount of streaked eyeliner, one suicidal thought, an emergency family group meeting, and even some laughter. My therapist is hysterical and extremely helpful despite all my weird quirks and nuances.

I got through the first week of treatment, crying to my mom that I wanted to go home and I didn’t want to deal with this bullshit because it was making me worse and I didn’t believe it was going to help me. I wanted to drop out so badly because I thought I was hopeless and that I wasn’t ready for this kind of treatment. I had just finished my first exposure therapy session and it was the actual worst. Feeling something you’ve been repressing for years is the last thing I wanted to feel and I wanted to go home.

But I’m very glad I didn’t and I can’t believe I’m typing that now.

So heed my warning: I went into this thinking I was going to be fixed like kablamo! And I’m not. I am learning. Treatment Centers are not going to fix you for you; you have to put in work and a lot of work that you’re not going to want to do. Its like going through high school so that you can get into a college. High school (at least for me) really FUCKING sucked. But now that its over, I’m in a college that fits me like a beautiful dress. I just have to get through the high school part of my mental health so that I can graduate and go to the college part of my mental health that makes me feel as wonderful as actual college does. I don’t know if I’m going to get better after 2 more weeks. What I do know, is that I will have the right tools to help me get better, and that’s really really fucking important.

If you’re about to go into treatment for your disorders or anything, you have every right to be scared and even to doubt if you really need this. But if you’re considering it in the first place, that means you do need to. You have to do a trust fall with your therapist and trust that they will catch you and put you on your feet. It will be you though, that will have to do the walking.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Nightmare Turned Dream

So it is known that I have nightmares quite frequently (according to my psychiatrist thats not normal but eh…at this point nothing is normal about me) so much to the fact that they don’t really faze me anymore. Last night I had a really strange nightmare.

It started with me riding my bike in to high school (so already you can tell its a nightmare). I am greeted by my friends and we walk around my high school and its very dark and stormy looking, but its not raining. All of a sudden, I see pamphlets everywhere for different things, but one of them is my report card but not even from high school, from collage. The thing is that this is like an interim report card where its just to let me know where I am during the semester and its not final. But these grades are bad. It starts out with As and ends with Cs and Ds because certain grades hadn’t been processed. I started freaking out. Trying to rip them off every wall I could see. They were bright yellow. Next to them were more posters that had curses at me and saying what a failure I was. I ended up in my art history room crying my eyes out, wishing they would all disappear.

Suddenly, my friends, from high school and college, were beside me. They were asking me how this happened and if I had any idea who did this. They were there for me like they are in real life. They helped take all of the pamphlets and posters down and got the administration and teachers involved. It was like my brain solved my own nightmare. It was completely bizarre.

The best part was when I found out who did it. It was a girl who was the exact opposite of me in every way; the anti-Zoey. She wasn’t anybody I had ever met in my past. It was like my mind had manifested everything I had never wanted to be and put it in this human manifestation. So she admitted to me that she did this. So I grabbed her ear and punched her in the eye and dragged her by her ear and arm to the administration and got her to admit (unusually) what she did. And then I got to sock her in the stomach for fun.

Besides the unusual amount of random violence in this dream, I think it held a certain kind of meaning. I’m currently in treatment in Sacramento for my various problems and I am determined to work through them and get better. I think this dream shows that all of the bad sides of my mental illness are showing themselves and I am taking charge and making them punished and socking them in the stomach (for fun). It also showed that even in my dreams I’m not alone. I have friends who are willing to help me and will always be there to back me up.

As awful as it started, it had a pretty dope ending. Lets hope that I too will have a dope ending come the end of May.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

My London Experience: A Conclusion

I apologize in advance for how long this took me to get to. Jet lag and general laziness helped with the delay. This is going to be a long post, just so you’re prepared.

Here we go..

I am finally back in California surrounded by mountains and fresh air with an improved mood and looking forward to my future. Sure I’m exhausted because my inner clock is all whacked out and I think its 1 am at 9pm and 11 am at 5 am but I feel my mood significantly lighter. I mean, it is pretty difficult not to feel great when you’re staring out at an amazing view with a cup of tea in your hand. But in all seriousness, I think the lack of nature was a huge impact to my mood and was a source of my depression. Although I know my depression isn’t gone, nature certainly helps keep my head afloat.

The reason why this post also took me a long time is because I have trouble putting my experience in words. So I decided I’m going to do this in categories because why not.

What I learned:

Lets start with the obvious and not get too wishy washy (which is going to happen knowing me). As far as academics go, I gained an amazing new insight into paintings and how people interacted with them. My entire independent project was based on what people saw first in paintings and to see if there was a connection between that and how the painting make them felt (spoiler alert: there is none) and I had a blast researching it and presenting it to my peers. I learned and finally understood (somewhat…as best as I could) English politics and how their political system works. Coming from America, its always fascinating to see how other countries are run and how their political system worked. I learned all about the history of English music and theatre (even if the teacher  who taught me those things was a pain in the ass).

As for what I learned about myself…I learned that I am not a city girl and last Summer I learned that I’m not a country girl. I’m a nice in between. I didn’t realize how badly I needed nature or how much the lack of it would impact my mood. People are now going to complain and say, “But Zoey, there are lots of parks in London! Plus you can just go right outside of London and go hiking, right?” Well.. yes you’re somewhat right. There are lots of parks of London, but its manicured and not a substitute for natural nature. As far as going outside of London, let me tell you finding a trail is not that easy. Also I simply didn’t have that kind of time where I could just pop on a 3 hour train and try to go hiking. If I wasn’t working my ass off, I was mentally recovering from it. I learned what it was like to pick myself up without any help and not because I wanted to, but circumstantially I was forced to. I learned how some of my panic attacks are caused: exhaustion and being overwhelmed. I learned how much long distance really FUCKING SUCKS but also how it brings a couple more together and stronger.

Overall rating of the program: 8/10

This rating is based on my fellow participants, my professors, the trips we took, and how I felt in London in general. So here are the breakdowns

Fellow participants: 9/10. I loved most of the people I was on the trip with. There were a couple of people who I didn’t feel any connection to whatsoever but thats not necessarily their fault. My biggest pet peeve was the fact that our kitchen was constantly filthy and I was always having to do other people’s dishes.

Professors: 7/10 I wish I could exclude one professor mainly because he was the only reason why this is a 7/10 instead of a 10/10. The other 3 professors we had were absolutely incredible and I’m even friends on Facebook with one of them and they’re just awesome people in general.

Out of London trips: 10/10 Out of London, we went to Glasgow, Edinburgh, York, Oxford, Stonehenge, Bath, and Leeds.

London in general: 7/10 As far as a city, its pretty incredible how much it can jam into one place. Not only is it a art hub of the world, but it has an incredible theatre and music scene. The biggest issue is that it is scattered all over the city and at times can be very difficult to find. It also seems like there are really stable communities in all of these fields. It is a shockingly neat city seeing as how everyone smokes and are constantly throwing cigarette butts where they choose.

 Conclusion

I don’t know why this was so hard for me to write but it was. It was one of the first times I’ve ever gotten writers block writing a blog post. I wouldn’t trade the experience I had, even if it was ridiculously tough at many times, for anything. I learned invaluable things that I wouldn’t have gotten from any other experience and for that, I am incredible grateful.

Now I will start my journey into fixing my mental stability. (eep)

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

What do I need Google?

I was inspired by Jenny Lawson when she did this on her latest post and I thought it was funny so why not try it.

So apparently google fills in crazy as shit when you put your name…

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 2.36.33 PM

So…this is the problem with having a name like mine. Like most middle school girls from the early 00’s, they think of Zoey 101 and she apparently was pregnant…? Also I did not think Zoey was short for anything but alright. Lets try something else.

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 2.38.35 PM.png

So apparently the internet is trying to figure out whether or not I’m a dwarf and a good name… Um…alright okay.. What do I have google?

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 2.39.39 PM.png

Um…

And thats about it. I literally couldn’t find anything else interesting. Google you have let me down.

Oh well. You should read Jenny’s cuz its a lot funnier but at least I tried.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

 

Q&A Part 4: London Halfway

So if you didn’t know, I’ve been in London for 2 months now which makes me halfway through my program! Hooray! You got your questions, and I got you some answers. Lets do this.

Have you started talking with a British accent?

Haha no I have not! I think I’ve started picking up some of the lingo though but nooo no accent.

What words do you find especially different?

Although my boyfriend says it all the time, I’m still not used to the fact that people say cheers instead of thank you. I asked someone where the sweaters were and they said “the jumpers are over there.” Lets see… They think slut is a more insulting word than cunt… Uhm… I honestly can’t think of a lot thats significantly different than the usual. OH! Also a “white van man” is NOT the same in America as we found out. A “white van man” is a guy who is like a blue collar worker and middle class. Someone who fixes like air conditioners and stuff. Not child abductors.

Do you get a lot of questions about Donald Trump?

Absolutely. People are fascinated by American politics. They just completely don’t understand how people can vote for Donald Trump. Then the question is always, “Why don’t you guys just be like Britain and vote for Bernie?” and I’m like “RIGHT?!?!” But thats just my politics. Hillary ain’t so bad. But yeah no people are really quite terrified of Donald Trump, but they find him more hysterical than anything and ask if the things he say are true and I reluctantly have to say yes. Its more of an embarrassment when people ask about Trump more than anything.

What do they think of our gun laws?

They don’t get it. Thats the one thing that people 100% do not understand about the US. Guns are COMPLETELY outlawed in the UK, even policemen don’t carry guns and you can’t buy or sell guns in the UK and everyone is completely okay with this. There is quite a bunch of knife crime in England, but no guns. Ever since like one bad instance with guns, they just outlawed them. People are so terrified here that anyone can get guns. My English History professor gets flabbergasted every time he brings it up.

Do you attend classes and what are they like?

Well.. I kinda do and don’t. I have two completely scheduled classes and 2 classes taught by the professor where he kind of just does whatever the fuck he wants. My scheduled classes are my art history class and my English History. My art history class is every Tuesday and we meet at a different museum every week. Depending if we’re doing modern art or pre-20th century art, it depends which professor we meet with. We walk around museums or exhibits and talk about the art and its literally a dream come true. My English History class meets in a classroom every Wednesday night and we talk about England and its history, politics, and all that jazz and discuss about it. It sounds boring but its actually a lot of fun and our professor is just the bomb. Now my theatre and music classes are always kind of up in the air about what we’re doing each week. Sometimes we have lectures, but other times we walk around London for 8 hours going to each place that Shakespeare went or having a scavenger hunt based on songs written about areas of London. Every week though, we go to at least one theatre performance and one music performance. Its pretty surreal.

Speaking of theatre, how is that?

Can I speak completely honestly? I’m severely underwhelmed. I might get a shit ton of hate for this, but keep in mind this is my very spoiled opinion because I’ve seen a lot of absolutely incredible theatre in Miami and on Broadway. I have been to one show thats blown me away, and the rest of it I’ve been like meh or yeah that was fine. But honestly I went and saw Matilda and the main girl who played Matilda was the least expressive actress I’ve ever seen and don’t give me that “but she’s young give her a break” bullshit because the rest of the kids in that show were UNBELIEVABLE. Each time I’ve been like, “Omg I’m in London this show is gonna be amazing” and then I’m like, “eh… alright.” Trust me, I’m not the only one in my group who feels this way.

Are you going to see Uncle ____?

I will try! I don’t have a lot of time to travel outside of my group but I will certainly try!

Speaking of travel, have you done a lot?

I am very fortunate to say I have! A majority of it has been with my group though. I think I’ve traveled alone once and I’m going to Italy for Spring Break but thats about it. Every other place I’ve been has been with my group and it has been awesome. So far I’ve been to Scotland: St. Andrews, Edinburgh, Glasgow; England: Oxford, York, and Leeds. And then we’re also going to Bath at some point and Stonehenge and I’m planning on going to Salisbury and Durham cuz they got some sick Gothic Cathedrals!

Thats all I got for now folks! Keep an eye out for more q&a sessions when I announce them on twitter or my up and coming facebook page and you too can have a question answered! For now, enjoy the slideshow of what I’ve been up to thus far!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Follow me on: Instagram: okayzoeyk Twitter: @okayzoeyk

I’m not confused, I’m just bi.

My blog is all about revealing a lot of things that are hard for me to say so that others can relate to it and feel supported. So, here’s another rather personal post that for once actually doesn’t have to do with my mental health.

I have been thinking about this for a few years, but never seriously considered it until very recently. But, I have made my decision.

I am bisexual.

No, I’m not confused, I’m not experimenting, I’m not going through a phase. I do have attraction for both men and women.

You may be thinking, “How did you come to this conclusion?” “Why now?” “Are you still with your boyfriend?”

To answer that last question, yes, I am still with him and this decision had nothing to do with anything related to our relationship. (It is going very well despite the distance.) I did not have an affair with a woman to figure this out nor did any sort of other experimentation with another woman. I simply came to this decision through a lot of thinking and assessment and through talking to some close friends who are bi or gay.

I’ve always found women beautiful and have found my self staring at their beautiful faces and breasts, but I never considered myself bisexual because I thought that if I wasn’t exactly attracted to vaginas, I couldn’t be bisexual. But, I realized that when I had my first boyfriend, I wasn’t exactly attracted to the idea of a penis at first either. I was with him because he is a really wonderful guy who is incredibly intelligent and has a heart of gold. It wasn’t until we were ready did that come into play and I realized okay yes I am into this. I have never had a sexual encounter with a woman because I’ve been in relationships for most of my life and they’ve always been with men.

Why now? Well, I have a lot of time to think while I’m in London. I spend most of my time alone in museums and those tube rides home give me a lot of time to think. Plus, I’ve always been hit on by women and rarely by men. I had always thought about why women were more attracted to me (mainly because of my short hair), and thought y’know, maybe if I’m single I may actually take that opportunity. However, I am not exactly trying to jump on the band wagon now or anytime soon.

I am embracing my sexuality and I’m really excited to be part of a community of really awesome people. I am really happy to say, and I must thank them, that my family supports my decision with happy hearts, and my boyfriend completely supports me and has helped me come to this decision as well. In the words of my mother, “Well we don’t care who you choose to love (as long as they’re nice to you).” My brother said, “You’re my sister, I support most of your decisions unless I think they’re life threatening or stupid. This is neither. I still love you all the same.” I am so so so so thankful to have such incredibly supportive people as my family.

I realize that others are not as fortunate as I when it comes to admitting their newfound sexuality to their loved ones. To those I say, I am here for you and I love you for exactly who you are, even if I don’t know you. You can love whoever you want. Follow your heart. Fuck those homophobic assholes. In the end, it is your decision and it is you who matters the most. You only have one life to live and you should be able to love whoever you want in that life.

Have a great day filled with kittens, Okay?

Zoey K.

Follow me on: Instagram: okayzoeyk Twitter: @okayzoeyk