The title seems laughably cheesy, but I wished I had realized it earlier.
I have been through a lot of shit in my life that I wish that I had never been through and for a while it seemed like the shit never stopped coming my way. When I was taught to stop looking at life like its my constant enemy and started learning to love myself, my life really and truly started turning around. But I made a mistake in this positive growth; I thought I was nearly done. I thought all I needed was the icing on the cake (which for me is not visibly cringing and recoiling when I receive compliments) and then I’d be a better version of myself; a complete metamorphosis of the girl who is Zoey. But I was wrong.
Over the past couple of days I made a lot of stupid mistakes that I wish I could turn back time and undo. But I can’t. Instead of accepting my actions, learning from them, and moving on, I couldn’t handle what I had did and so I tried to end my life for what feels like the umpteenth time in a year. Suddenly, it was like because I had made these mistakes that completely questioned my character of who I thought I was, I didn’t trust myself anymore. All of that work I did on self love was thrown out the window. I started hating myself and this hidden element that I had discovered had stained me. I couldn’t love myself with this revealed new piece to my puzzle without edges. I didn’t think I could let anyone love me now that this part of me had been revealed to me and I didn’t trust myself with anyone. So what is the answer? Suicide of course because what normal person would think of that.
So I spent some time in a hospital recovering and then after that rather horrific experience, I saw my therapist today.
I explained to her why I didn’t feel fit to live and the situation that led me to this life-ending decision. I told her why I felt like I couldn’t love myself again and she asked a really important question:
“Who are you besides what you have been made to believe?”
I took a longer pause than I probably should have. “I’m…a singer and an art historian.”
Therapist: “There’s much more than just your majors.”
Me: “…..I’m a daughter and a sister and an aunt and a friend.”
Therapist: “And you are many, many other things. You have to realize that you cannot let one flaw that someone has revealed to you define your entire self and your entire existence. That sounds like the perfect recipe to drive yourself crazy.”
Damn those therapists…they’re smart as fuck.
So my warning to you readers, and what I’m taking from this experience, is that we people are not baked goods. We’re never done.
We’re more like trees: we keep growing and growing until one day we reach that life span or the sun explodes or something. Sometimes we get mites in our barks, but we still have the root system under which we started and just because there’s mites, doesn’t mean they’ll stay there forever and that suddenly the rest of the tree is worthless. There are still are all of those branches that took all that time to grow and are still continuing to grow. A bird may come and eat the mites and that doesn’t mean the mite problem is suddenly solved.
I’m going to continue growing my branches and my root system and I’m going to call every bird in the forest to come get rid of these mites until I can go back to being a healthy tree again. But for now, its a work in progress.
Have a day filled with kittens, Okay?
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call or text one of the following numbers and seek help immediately. There is help and you are never alone.
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741